Affirmations
by red2007
Summary: Ficlet for the VAMB Secret Drabble exchange for the clever Major Ryan. Missing Endgame scene-you know Chakotay had something to say about the infamous plan to have their cake and eat it too...


**Affirmations**

This was written from an amazing prompt by Major_Ryan who asked for an Admiral Janeway/Chakotay. I had so many possibilities flowing from her first line and the following is the result. The scene takes place after the Janeways' mastermind their plan and is in first person from Chakotay's POV. As tempted as I was, I couldn't break canon but you can use your imaginations and take it wherever you want ;)

Also, huge thanks goes out to JoAryn, kjaneway100 & DocBevCulver for the read-throughs and for keeping me pleasantly distracted when the words just wouldn't come :) Man VAMBies are the BEST!

As always, Paramount is King, all hail Paramount and thank you for screwing up your show SO badly that I get THIS much enjoyment (not payment) from your blunder :)

Rated **G**

**=/\=**

"This is my private time and you're invading it." Her tone was clear and I know right away she'd rather be undisturbed. Even then, I see a slight raise to an eyebrow and those all too familiar lines around her mouth, untarnished by age and the bitter life she'd apparently led. The tenuous relationship with my Kathryn gives me pause, but remembering my purpose I press ahead, ordering myself a black tea and settling myself next to her on the couch of the observation lounge.

"I know," I say, taking a slow draft of the scorching liquid. I'd meant to summon my courage for the forthcoming conversation but my preoccupation with a burnt lip gives her the upper hand.

"What is it you want, Commander?" While her tone isn't harsh, there's a firm undercurrent that somehow feels out of place with the use of my title, in the solitude of deck nine at 0200 in the morning. It throws me off balance, not a difficult feat considering the emotional upheaval her counterpart left me in hours ago regaling their glorious plan. Effectively signing the death certificate of the woman seated to my right.

"You don't have to do this." I am certain she senses the hint of desperation veiled in the platitude I'm offering, though I doubt she fully understands. If I'm honest, I'm not entirely certain I understand it.

"I told Harry before I left that this was a one-way trip. He accepted that, and so will you." Her self-assurance sends red flags that I can feel all the way to my nerve endings. Her affinity for self-sacrifice is familiar and reveals to me just how like her our Captain has already become. Memories of our time in the Void and her stubbornness over Omega flit through my mind and cause acrid bile to rise in my throat. Our crew and I have been saving her from herself for years and I know this is one time we won't succeed.

"What could be worth twenty-six years of history and your own life?" I plead with her to see reason, searching her world-worn, haunted expression and clenching jaw, attempting to read her as I used to be able to read my Kathryn.

"Nothing that will matter once the morning comes." She wants to say it. I can see her anger at the injustice of the fates and all the battles she's waged within and without. I find myself wondering whether it's a festering duty to the Temporal Prime Directive that reigns her in or her own pride. Surely throwing away all those lives has stripped her enough of her value in the apparent archaic dogma and I begin to examine the reasons for her wounded pride.

"The Kathryn I know would never alter history for her own sense of self-" Though my words are soft, an attempt to placate, I struck a chord.

"The Kathryn you know?" Her accusatory tone is like venom and I can see she feels slighted. "Commander it's been a long time since you've really known your Captain and you sure as hell do not know me. Clearly, if you think I'm without conscience of my actions and capable of rewriting history for my own selfish agenda." She thumps her mug on the nearby table sloshing liquid over the side as she propels herself toward the viewport. Her accusation leaves me unable to speak, unable to move. I've been a study in Kathryn Janeway for seven years; how much had I missed? My current relationship not withstanding, our interactions have been strained for much of the last few years. "I will not justify my actions to you, Chakotay. This is my cross to bear, my mission to accomplish. Voyager will get home and you will all have the futures that you deserve instead of the losses we had to suffer and the unending futility we were made to endure." I'm not certain but I don't think she realizes her omission. I carefully place my cup next to hers and stand next to her.

"What about the future you deserve?" I glance quickly at her. "What about the future she deserves?" I feel as though I'm grappling at thin air, pirouetting on egg shells so lightly, afraid they'll crack. I must know this, I'm not sure why. As unlike my Kathryn as she is, I feel as tethered to her as I do the woman fighting sleep six decks above us. I know instinctively that there's more, but I'm not sure she'll be forthcoming.

"I'm giving you all the gift of time. Time for family, for careers. Time to make a life of your own choosing." She pauses, as if contemplating her next words. She's holding back and I can almost see herself force them passed her lips. "To make decisions based on your own desires and not those of circumstance." I continue to stare, attempting to decipher her meaning when I realize she's headed for the door. Before she crosses the threshold she turns and offers a waning smile, the crooked one that I hold so dear and says, "take care of her, Chakotay."

When she's gone I struggle to piece together the nuances and contexts of our exchange. She would know about my blossoming relationship with Seven and she cares deeply for her, of course I should take care of her. Somehow this doesn't seem to feel adequate and I wonder if she wasn't also, if not more concerned for her younger self. If this plan succeeds, and especially if it fails the paradigm shift could cause Kathryn irreparable damage.

I make my way to the replicator for a damp towel to clean the spilled coffee and I vow to myself to repair the damage between Kathryn and I, to be there for her whatever the outcome of the next twenty-four hours will be. I also vow to continue guiding Seven in her search for herself and her humanity in anyway she'll allow me. As I dump the mugs and towel into the recycler I can't help but wonder what the future will hold for me. It's been so long since I'd dared to dream of what Earth would bring and life has certainly changed since then.

As I retire to my quarters I offer up a small prayer to the Spirits for the mission we are about to embark on, for the imminent loss of someone I hold dear and the drastic temporal shift that is about to occur. I enter my quarters, shedding my uniform and lay down and I ask my guide to watch over me with the changing of the seasons of life and to help me watch over those I hold dear.

**=/\=**


End file.
